Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…we hear those words all too often but what exactly is a boundary, how do you set them and what do you even say? First, boundaries are important in ALL relationships from friendships, to family, to marriage and children. One of the main reasons most tend to struggle to set or enforce boundaries is because they are worried about hurting someone’s feelings or coming off as rude. A reminder that boundaries are FOR the relationship not against it, albeit there are safety exceptions. Most of the time we set them in order to keep or salvage the relationship, to communicate and clarify where and how we feel the most respected. If they aren’t set resentment, hurt and eventually the dissolution of the relationship can eventually be the outcome
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ~ Brene Brown
The boundaries to consider can be broken down into several categories. Here are a few common ones.
Think about where you find yourself feeling resentful, feeling uncomfortable in a relationship or find yourself distancing. Ask yourself why.
1. Emotional - “No matter how angry you are you aren’t allowed to curse at me” or “I would welcome to have a conversation with you as long as you speak to me respectfully.”
2. Physical - “Do not go into my room without permission” or “Please knock before coming into my room.”
3. Sexual - “No, I don’t want you to touch me like that.” or “I liked to be touched this way.”
4. Mental - “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this.” or “We can discuss this later I would like to take time to think about it.”
5. Time/Energy - “I don’t respond to work emails on the weekend.” or “I reserve the weekend for family time and will respond first thing Monday morning.”
6. Material/Financial - “My car cannot be used on the weekends.” or “Please ask before borrowing my car.”
These are ways to start getting comfortable with setting boundaries; however, they are missing one of the most important parts of setting a boundary, the action step. The action step is what you will do if they cross the boundary you set, essentially the consequence. Remember it’s not your job to make them respect your boundary only for you to enforce it. Watch for an upcoming post on examples of action steps and how to include when setting boundaries.